I have been blessed beyond words. I always thought that the worst thing would be to fall absolutely in love with someone and have them walk away. Well, it happened. And I expected to wake up the next morning is a paroxysm of grief, unable to move or think or do anything but weep in anguish. That didn't happen. It sucks, don't get me wrong. But I have felt the buoyancy of knowing that there is a plan for me, My life has meaning. Apparently it isn't to be breathtakingly happy and waltz off into my forever (Hey, I'm allowed a little wallowing in misery!), but there is a plan nonetheless.
Two or three hours after Joseph broke up with me I was lying in bed saying my nightly prayer. I expected to be begging for comfort, for his return, for death. Instead I couldn't stop naming things that I was grateful for. I am grateful that my grandma lives close enough for me to collapse on her couch. I am grateful that my grandpa holds the priesthood and can give me a blessing of comfort. I am grateful that my mother and best friend are available by phone, and are willing to let me pour out my heart to them. I'm grateful for my roommates who let me cry, yell, and express all manner of emotion without judgment. I'm grateful that I hadn't yet moved to Utah county (THANK GOODNESS. No offense to Utah county.)
I'm grateful for the outpouring of love that has been extended to me over the last few days. I have received calls, texts, and facbook messages. And every single person has helped. Thank you. All of you.
I am grateful for the availability of General Conference, which I have been listening to quite a lot lately. Specifically I am grateful for Jeffrey R Holland and Dieter F Uchtdorf, because somehow their words are always what I need to hear. Prophets are a thing. "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" (shoutout to Shelbey for recommending this talk) is beautiful beyond words.
Praying that night was a very spiritual experience. I felt extreme gratitude for my Savior, who felt all this pain before I did and knows how to succor us. In the midst of my tears, all I could feel was thankful. The Lord always keeps His promise: if I keep doing my part, eventually I will be happy again. Who knows, I may be even happier than the last three months. Anything can happen if you let it.
Also, yesterday I was blessed to find a house to live in that's about three minutes from where I live now, available July 1st, and even month to month. I have been extremely stressed wondering where I was going to live, and this helps so much. It seemed to fall right into my lap right when I needed it most.
Mostly I am grateful that what I thought would break me didn't. I know there are still hard days ahead. But I'm going to be fine. If you're going through hell, keep going. And count your many blessings-- it really might surprise you when you see what God has done.
"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." -Joshua 1:9