Friday, June 26, 2015

I Love to See the Temple

I got to go to the temple this morning.  Seven a.m. comes early, but it was worth it. I went with my little sister and two of my little brothers. My grandpa did the baptisms, and it served to remind me of the eternal nature of families, something that I've been pondering a lot lately. The family is the basic unit of society, and eternity. And I want one. Someday. 

My life is so up in the air right now. My family will soon be much further away than they've ever been. My once-upon-a-time boyfriend is no longer in the picture. My best friend might be unavailable for eighteen months and my roommate and kindred spirit, who I've lived with for three years, will not longer be my roommate. I'm in the midst of the moving process and, oh, yeah, I'm learning a new process at work and starting rehearsals for a revue.

It's a lot of change to take in. 

While in the waiting area I was struck by the words of the song I'd been rehearsing for the aforementioned revue.

"When you walk through a storm/ Keep your head up high/ And don't be afraid of the dark/ At the end of the storm there's a golden sky/ And the sweet silver song of a lark. Walk on through the wind/ Walk on through the wind/ Through your dreams be tossed and blown/ Walk on/ Walk on/ With hope in your heart/ And you'll never walk alone."

I don't like Carousel, but what a gorgeous song. 

Faith is a journey. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

"So, How Are You?"

Doing well, thank you. 

Busy. Busy, busy, busy. Much busier than I've been for a long time, in an odd way. It's not that I've had rehearsal (although rehearsals for my next project start tomorrow), it's just that things keep popping up. I think I've been home with nothing to do maybe two nights in the last two weeks. It's a blessing for someone who usually marks her calendar with a star to represent when she went to he library. 

My family is in town for the week and I've been spending time with them, which is always a delight. We'll be doing baptisms in the Draper temple, and it's been years since I've had that experience with them. Walking little kids to the splash park, listening to my sister's EFY adventures, and getting long hugs from mom-- I'm going to miss these people intensely when they all vanish to Virginia for a year. (It's cool. I'm jealous. Let's not even talk about the fact that three of my siblings AND my best friend will likely leave on missions in the next eighteen months.) 

The process of moving to a new house has begun again. Not far, and not completely for another week, but it's stressful. Boxes, boxes everywhere. I literally had a dream last night that I couldn't find enough boxes, and the ones I could find were too small. Interpret that how you will. 

Work is constantly busy. I'm learning a completely new process, so I feel a bit like a new employee again. I'm excited to have the skill set, I'm just not excited to learn it. (I feel that way about quite a few aspects of my life right now, actually. I'll be happy to get there, but the journey isn't exactly my favorite thing.) (Yes, I've listened to "Joy in the Journey" recently.)

When it comes to rough patches there's no way to go around them, or over them, or even under them. As tempting as it would be to crawl under the covers and never leave, it's not the way. You have to go through. That's why I'm grateful for all the random events that have been making appearances in my life, keeping me from doing just that. (Don't worry, I still find time to rewatch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Season six is killing me-- again-- with how perfect it is.) 

I'm trying to say yes to more things. Do I want to participate in a script read through for a friend's independent film? You know it. Would I like to help out with the Days of 47 parade? Sure. There's a cute guy with a beard who wants to buy you frozen yogurt and talk about math, are you down for that? Umm, absolutely. 

I'm saying yes to faith and yes to scripture study and yes to being okay. It's a daily choice. "You learn to count the quiet wins/ An hour with no unprompted tears."

And when you have the sheet music to Newsies and access to a piano, that's a win. That's a "I'll give these books back if and when I'm good and ready to" win.


And I don't really care if nobody else believes, cuz I've still got a lot of fight in me! 

Friday, June 12, 2015

Be Not Discouraged

This is not a post about my break up. He called me, I cried, we're done. It happens. While I could happily (okay, happily is not the right word, but whatever) sob on your couch and tell you about how charming and funny and handsome he is, and how awesome he made me feel, and how I was sure we were going to get married, that doesn't do a whole lot of good. Or any good. No, this is a post about the sustaining power of God's love.

I have been blessed beyond words. I always thought that the worst thing would be to fall absolutely in love with someone and have them walk away. Well, it happened. And I expected to wake up the next morning is a paroxysm of grief, unable to move or think or do anything but weep in anguish. That didn't happen. It sucks, don't get me wrong. But I have felt the buoyancy of knowing that there is a plan for me, My life has meaning. Apparently it isn't to be breathtakingly happy and waltz off into my forever (Hey, I'm allowed a little wallowing in misery!), but there is a plan nonetheless. 

Two or three hours after Joseph broke up with me I was lying in bed saying my nightly prayer. I expected to be begging for comfort, for his return, for death. Instead I couldn't stop naming things that I was grateful for. I am grateful that my grandma lives close enough for me to collapse on her couch. I am grateful that my grandpa holds the priesthood and can give me a blessing of comfort. I am grateful that my mother and best friend are available by phone, and are willing to let me pour out my heart to them. I'm grateful for my roommates who let me cry, yell, and express all manner of emotion without judgment. I'm grateful that I hadn't yet moved to Utah county (THANK GOODNESS. No offense to Utah county.) 

I'm grateful for the outpouring of love that has been extended to me over the last few days. I have received calls, texts, and facbook messages. And every single person has helped. Thank you. All of you.

I am grateful for the availability of General Conference, which I have been listening to quite a lot lately. Specifically I am grateful for Jeffrey R Holland and Dieter F Uchtdorf, because somehow their words are always what I need to hear. Prophets are a thing. "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" (shoutout to Shelbey for recommending this talk) is beautiful beyond words. 

Praying that night was a very spiritual experience. I felt extreme gratitude for my Savior, who felt all this pain before I did and knows how to succor us. In the midst of my tears, all I could feel was thankful. The Lord always keeps His promise: if I keep doing my part, eventually I will be happy again. Who knows, I may be even happier than the last three months. Anything can happen if you let it.

Also, yesterday I was blessed to find a house to live in that's about three minutes from where I live now, available July 1st, and even month to month. I have been extremely stressed wondering where I was going to live, and this helps so much. It seemed to fall right into my lap right when I needed it most.

Mostly I am grateful that what I thought would break me didn't. I know there are still hard days ahead. But I'm going to be fine. If you're going through hell, keep going. And count your many blessings-- it really might surprise you when you see what God has done.

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." -Joshua 1:9