Obsessions

I spent the last three weeks shotgunning Buffy the Vampire Slayer like none other. However I was not warned that this show would cause me to want to stake my own heart out because of intense emotions and anguish and the evil Joss Whedon. "Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain." That was said by a vengeance demon, but I'm sure that Joss Whedon has it written on his bathroom mirror.

Spike is perfect. Just perfect. I can't ever put into words how much I love him. I adored him from his first appearance. He entered in season two as a hilarious and sexy villain. He came back for a couple episodes in season three. Then came season four, when the inundation really began. He was forced to ask Buffy and her friends for sanctuary after the government messed with his brain and that's when he started being in every episode. Then there was season five.

Season five put me through an emotional wringer; I cried on three separate occasions. All the things that Spike did for her-- it makes me feel ALL THE EMOTIONS. It hurts to see someone so perfect get rejected and be in pain.  And then there is the tragedies that assault Buffy that season. It is horrible. Season six started off very gloomy, but the middle was full of happiness. Three perfect episodes in a row-- "Once More, With Feeling", "Tabula Rasa" and "Smashed." I was one billion percent okay with that. Season six got dark fast, though, and the happiness went away.

And then there was season seven. All I wanted was more Spike/Buffy. His soul. Her pain. His insanity. Her sense of futility. Finally, finally, finally they could have been happy together. He was a good man by anyone's definition. She was so lonely. And she cared about him so much. Everyone could see it: Giles, the Potentials, Faith, everyone except for them. "She will come for me. She will come for me." "I'm not ready for you to not be around."

I finished the seventh and final season today. Joss Whedon is evil and only kills people that I love. Why did stupid Angel have to come back and mess up everything? Why did he have to bring the amulet? UGH WHY COULDN'T SHE SAY "I LOVE YOU" EARLIER? The tears started immediately, and I sat on the couch sobbing for an hour after the credits had played. I couldn't stop. I hurt so much. I feel like a friend has died. I forgot how physically painful it can be to care about fictional characters. I haven't cried this hard over a ship or a character for....I don't know, years.

Spike is forever in my heart, and he loves Buffy and she loves him. That is all.

Dear Diary....

I've kept a journal steadily for the the last three or four years. Reading what I've written makes me reflect on how I've grown, how my life has changed, and the amazing people I've met. Plus, it's always good for a laugh. I reviewed late 2011 lately-- here are some excerpts that have made me smile when rereading.

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After getting out from the concert I realized I didn’t really know where I had parked. I told her that I would figure it out. I knew I had only crossed two streets- once on my own without a traffic light, and once following a group of people across a traffic light. “How hard could it be?” I wondered. I was about to find out. I swear I found every parking lot within a four block radius of the Marriott Center, but I knew none of them were right. The only thing I knew besides the street crossings was that it had a sign that said Events Parking. I figured I was getting close. After going back to the Marriott MANY times I knew which doors I had gone in, which steps I had gone down, and now figured there were only two options. I think I tried the wrong one a lot. I know I went several ways more than once. I don’t know how it happened, but after TWO HOURS of looking, I saw the Events Parking sign that had been so elusive.

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Bethany, Julia, Dad, Emma, and I played Risk last night. I drew Great Britain was all, “ENGLAND! I get England!” I drove everybody else out of Europe so I could protect “Fair Mother England” and held it for quite a while. It was nice to have the extra armies. Australia changed hands three times but eventually ended up with Bethany, who fortified Siam extremely much. Dad got out fairly early, and then we got Julia out after making alliances. I would have gone out next, but Bethany had very bad luck when attacking, and I wore down her two countries. Then I got a trade in so I got a lot of armies and made Ural (my last surviving country) my base. At this point it was very late and we were quite giggly. It was very fun, and movie quotations abounded. Emma even said, "For shame!" Emma was trying to bring her two big armies together. Bethany just kept putting more people into Siam, and I was trying not to die by only taking one country a turn and then trying to fortify all of them. I had about four countries for a base and named my (small) empire New Shakespeare Land. I did take back Fair Mother England! We finally decided to split the world.

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Cut onions at work today. Cried. Provided entertainment for everyone walking by. “There’s no crying in baseball!” “Oh, it’s getting emotional!” “This is the best part of the job.”

Got Utah license plates and cashed first paycheck as well as posting a collab channel video. Achievement!

Wrote journal entry in third person with short sentences in sharp contrast to the last one (with the parenthetical remarks). Wonders about sanity-- surely most people don’t comment on their natural literary moods of the day. Disregards and takes as sign of future greatness.

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Rehearsal last night was pretty easy. This is something that can definitely not be said for the dance we worked on today: "Bad." The title pretty much explains my dancing. I was never meant to be a Michael Jackson back-up dancer.... At least I got closer with Elisha and Abbey, who were also very lost. Because we’re in the back, we could hardly see the choreographer's feet. But we bonded with much self-deprecation and laughter, and that was good. “I’m not crying because I suck, I’m crying because…I suck.”

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While hanging out with Jess the other day I was called by a continuing education person. He asked what I was going into, I told him theatre, and he was looking through his database. Having done research, I was waiting for him to tell me about the University of Utah, SUU, and Weber State. He didn’t find any of those. Instead he found interior design and creative writing programs. So, thanks for that.

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 We went sledding this morning with the Akins this morning. I was only mildly terrified, but I avoided dying. Once I went down with Dallin. We were going along very fast, and Zander Andreasen was walking along with Adam on his shoulders, who had pulled Zander’s hat over his eyes. We were yelling, “Get out of the way!” but he didn’t hear us, I guess. So I yank on the rope to steer it, which really isn’t very effective. I had time to say to Dallin, “This isn’t going to end well,” and then we were tumbling over our sides into the snow. I wasn’t worried about myself, and had tried to shelter Dallin, and after making sure he was okay and getting him untangled from the rope we both laughed about it and gave each other high fives “for surviving” as Dallin says. It was kind of fun in retrospect, though I wouldn’t do it on purpose.

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This is my life, people.

The Five Hottest Fictional Men

Ladies, there ain't no man like a fictional man. I spent all day editing and switching things around for this list. You know, it had the unexpected side effect of making me feel really okay with my state of perpetual singleness, because I'm having trouble imagining the guy who could match up to the standards set by these beautiful men, and who wants to settle anyway? Haha.

Disclaimer: No pirates appear on this list, because if I had included them the whole entry would be pirates. This way y'all get some variety, and I don't have to rank my favorite people. Because, holy cow, pirates.

Anyway, without any further ado, Rebecca's Five Hottest Fictional Men

1. Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

I thought about doing a countdown list, Letterman style, but I just could not wait to rave about my One True Love. Help, I've fallen for Spike and I can't get up. But while you're out summoning help can you just let me watch Spike footage? On second thought, don't bother going for help. I'm good. LEAVE.

How do I explain Spike? Words fail miserably. He is flawless. He's a vicious, violent vampire who has a sarcastic remark for everyone and every situation. He is INCREDIBLY hot, and that's coming from a girl who doesn't like blonde men. But LOOK at him! Those cheekbones....mmm. His wicked sense of humor and bad-boy presence....I just can't handle him. He says what he wants, and it is both hilarious and true. Spike values himself. He is not a good guy. What he is is sexy, side-splittingly funny, witty, inconveniently honest, ruthless, and SO PERFECT. He hates to be mocked, but doesn't take himself or anyone else seriously. All of his quotes are perfect. All of them. I'm desperately in love with him, and a wee bit obsessed. And did I mention that I find him rather fetching?


2. The Doctor (Doctor Who)

There have been eleven regenerations of the Doctor so far (and Peter Capaldi was just announced as the actor who will be playing the Twelfth Doctor), but I've only seen Nine, Ten, and Eleven. Ten is my favorite, but he's only a hair's breadth above Nine.

The Doctor is a hero. He saves the day, at least as much as he can. His different regenerations have their own unique quirks, who are great in their own ways, but he counts as one entry, because I simply love the Doctor. Just, him. His goodness, his curiosity, his willing to put others before himself. He is secretly sad, sometimes silly, and endlessly curious. He is a lover (Doctor/Rose forever) and a fighter and a wanderer. He's been called the Oncoming Storm, the Lonely God, and the last of the Time Lords. I want to climb inside in the T.A.R.D.I.S. and run away through time and space with him.


 3. Dustfinger (Inkheart)

I don't have a picture of Dustfinger, because he's from a book, and the film version doesn't do him justice (although I love Paul Bettany!) In my head he's tall, slender, and pale. His hair is thick, and a shade somewhere between brown and auburn. His eyes are sad and his fingers are nimble. That's as good a description as I can give.

Dustfinger comes from a book within a book (a book that I definitely recommend).  He was my first literary crush, and I never get tired of him. He's a fire eater (it's pretty much what it sounds like), and he's got experience traveling in and out of books. Would that I could. Dustfinger is slow to trust and quick to run. He is in love with a married woman. He is sensitive and scarred, both physically and emotionally, and I can't explain what I find so wonderful about him. He's so clever-- he considers himself a coward, but he's really very brave when someone he cares about is in danger. And although I can't say why, he is wonderful.


4. Aragorn (Lord of the Rings)

If you're waiting for a knight in shining armor character to make an appearance, this is the closest there's going to be. Probably the closest to a Prince Charming too, especially since he's royalty.

The True King of Gondor, Strider, the Dúnedain-- Aragorn answers to many names. I don't think anyone could name them all, maybe not even himself. He is a taciturn warrior. In addition to intimidating brooding, he is the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. He usually keeps his emotions private. He thinks of himself last, when he bothers to think of himself at all. He would die for a cause he deems worthy without a second thought. And if you want a rousing speech, Aragorn's your man.


5. Han Solo (Star Wars)

I think I've been attracted to Han Solo since.....forever. I've always loved him. Who can resist his one-liners and his devil-may-care attitude? He flies the freaking Millennium Falcon-- what a chick magnet!

He's a scoundrel, but they love him. Breaks a new heart every day. He's a scoundrel, but I adore him, and I wish that he would travel my way. He's a cynical smuggler who lives in a galaxy far, far away. He's in it for the money, or that's what he'd like you to believe. He's got a heart of gold, though, however, and not the monetary kind. Sarcastic and ready with a quip, with charm to spare. Heck, the man positively drips charm. He doesn't exactly express emotion well, but he's great in a tight spot. And very easy on the eyes.


Honorable mention: Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights) and Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice). Two classic literary men, polar opposites, extremely attractive.

This post was so much fun to write. What a hard life, googling pictures of g-o-r-g-e-o-u-s men. ;)

On Auditions

As the wonderful Joni Waldrop once said, "The only thing worse than Azkaban is waiting for a cast list to go up." Everything about the audition process is hellish. I hate auditions-- sixteen to thirty-two bars to show why you are good enough. Different enough. Talented enough. Deciding to even audition for a show, picking the right song, and knowing what kind of small talk to make with the director are things that don't come super easily to me.

Callbacks aren't much better. You can see all your competition right there, and you just want to be as good as them. Dancing isn't exactly my best friend-- it takes me a while to get choreography down. When I do, it's fine, but when you have ten minutes and you know that whether or not you get in the show depends on if you can dance it or not.....well, it isn't exactly a walk in the park.

As is probably obvious, I auditioned for a show over the weekend. I don't know how it went. Usually I either feel pretty dang positive or I think, "Well, I'd better start looking again, cuz that show ain't happenin'." But after this callback (in which we were told that only fifty percent of us will be cast) I honestly don't know. I don't know. And that's the worst. The cast list should be posted today, but it could be hours and hours. Great.

My thought process after seventy-five, eighty percent of auditions-- the Not Completely Horrible ones--  is always the same. Part of you thinks you nail it and they have no choice but to cast you. Another bracing for disappointment and and pointing out the vast amount of talent you were up against. In some ways you are already falling in love with the show and yet you are also preparing for the next audition. Your pep talk is ready, but you are terrified of needing it. Your name is on the program. Your name will never be on anything again. They loved you. They were just being polite. Don't worry. Try again and don't give up. It doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.