Thursday, December 1, 2011

Ambition Wanted

I'm sitting in the library, looking out the window at a river of cars flashing by. So many lives, so many stories. Behind them, there's a spread of lighted homes, and a whole lot of Christmas lights. Utah doesn't waste time.

I need some ambition. Or rather, I need things that I can give my ambition to. My job was working great, but then they randomly cut my hours down to less than ten, which is not something I can live on. So, back to job-hunting. My show opens on December 15, and honestly I will be glad when it is done. If I've learned anything from it, it's that I need to be in real musicals, or straight plays. None of this "play with music" stuff.

So when does this show come? I don't know. When and where will I find a job that lets me get into an apartment? I don't know. Am I going to be accepted to the University of Utah, and if I am, will I get into the theatre department? I don't know. Should I even be in Salt Lake? I. Don't. Know. I am aware that nothing in life is certain, but I'm not very good with not having a plan.

Christmas is my favorite time of year, but I've never had to spend it away from home before. When I was in Chadron, I knew that I would be going home in time for the actual holiday. Now, I have no such guarantee. I don't think I'm ready to grow up yet.

As soon as things start getting anywhere near stagnant, I start getting antsy and thinking that maybe I should move on, even though I haven't genuinely settled here yet. I'm so anxious for the future to get started, but I don't know how to start it.

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