Snow White and the Several Dwarves

My littlest sister, Lydia, asked me to write her a script for a play she can do at home. I've never been so flattered. It wouldn't be me without adding snarky and feminism, so here's the result, to be done with a smaller cast than the normal number of dwarves, because that's a lot of dialogue. A short, silly thing to hopefully make her smile.

Snow White and the Several Dwarfs

Cast List

Narrator / Magic Mirror / Prince

Snow White

Evil Queen

Huntsman (can double as Bashful)

Doc

Grumpy

Happy

Bashful

Narrator: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a young princess named Snow White. Her father was a good king, but his wife was more worried about being beautiful than about being kind. The queen’s anger was stirred as she saw how lovely Snow White grew, and she made her do many hours of chores and never let her wear new dresses. But Snow White had a pure heart, and nothing the queen did to her could make her give up on her dream of finding a better life.

Enter Snow White.

SW: Another day of scrubbing the corridors done. I wish that my stepmother would at least tell me I am doing a good job now and again! She must be very busy to never come and see my work. She sits, tired.  I wish I could go to a place where I was appreciated and loved and everyone did their fair share. Here the birds are my only friends, and I’m sorry to say they are not very good at conversation.

Prince, off stage: Snow White, thou art the fairest maiden in the land! Say that you’ll marry me, and I will take you to my own castle.

SW: Umm, another day, perhaps. How can I marry a man I do not know?

Prince: Don’t be so picky! There are many girls in towers who would be thrilled to accept. In fact, I’m off to give the same offer to one right now!

SW: (sighs) This is not the dating scene I had hoped for.

Exit Snow White. Scene shifts to Queen’s chambers, with hand mirror. Queen is applying makeup.

Queen: That girl grows more beautiful every day, even in rags! I must consult my mirror to make sure that she has not surpassed me… this new brand of lipstick promised that I’d be the most beautiful woman at any party. If it is not so…. (she glowers) (addressing mirror) Mirror, Mirror, in my hand / who’s the fairest in the land?

Mirror: Can anyone really say who the fairest in all the land is? There are so many types of beauty, and it’s really a very subjective thing…

Queen: Out with it!

Mirror: Yeah, it’s Snow White. Her heart and soul are beautiful, not just her face.

Queen exclaims in anger.

Queen: I will sue that lipstick brand for false advertising!!!

Mirror: That does take quite a bit of paperwork, my Queen.

Queen: Silence! Fetch the Huntsman.

Mirror: Huntsman, please report to the Queen’s chambers ASAP.

A few moments, then Huntsman enters, out of breath.

HM: What is it?

Queen: I have a task for you. You must take Snow White deep into the forest and kill her! Cut out her heart and deliver it to me in this box.

HM: That seems super dark. Isn’t this a kids’ show? How about I just, like, give her a bad haircut?

Queen: GO!!!!!!!!!

End scene. New scene : Huntsman and Snow White are alone in the forest.

HM: Snow White, I must warn you, the Queen is out for blood. She will stop at nothing to destroy you. This is my first job since graduating from the hunting academy, but it seems like murder is not a normal job request.

SW: I can’t say I’m too surprised. She has been growing more and more angry these last few years.

He hands her a bag of supplies.

HM: Here, take these. I know a small cottage you can go to. The forest can be a frightening place, but I’ve spent a lot of time in it, and no harm will come to you.

SW: That’s very kind. Are you sure it won’t endanger you?

HM: I’m a huntsman, I can take care of myself.

Narrator: As Snow White and the Huntsman walked through the forest, they talked of many things. The princess felt glad to be out of the castle and with her first human friend, and the Huntsman was happy to help. Soon they came to the cottage in the clearing.

HM: Now, full disclosure, I have never met the people that live here, but I’m sure they’ll be nice, living so far out here they probably don’t get many visitors. I have to go back now and throw the Queen off the scent, but this should be a good place for you.

SW: Thank you again, kind Huntsman. (she hugs him)

Exit Huntsman. Snow White enters the cottage and looks around.

SW: What funny little chairs! They must be children here! How odd that children would live all alone in the middle of the forest, but stranger things have happened. I’ll just tidy up for them so they’ll know I’ll be a good houseguest.

(optional-- “Whistle While You Work” plays / she sings )

SW: There, that’s much better! As I always say, a clean house is a happy house. I’m now feeling very tired, I guess it won’t be too rude to use these little beds for a nap.

She sleeps. Enter the dwarves.

Grumpy: Now, I don’t mind telling you, something is not right. This cottage hasn’t been cleaned in years and suddenly the windows are sparkling! It’s black magic, I tell you. We ought to just go build a new one somewhere else, or sleep in the mine tonight. Who knows what has taken residence here?

Doc: Now Grumpy, don’t be absurd. We all know it’s serfectly pafe, I mean, perfectly safe.

The dwarves creep up on the beds.

Happy: All right, fellows, let’s let our guest know how delighted we are to have them by waking them up and yelling, surprise!

Bashful: No, that’s not gonna happen.

Grumpy: It could be a dragon!

Happy: Pretty small dragon, if you ask me.

Doc: It falls to me as the brave leader to once again take charge. (He crawls to the bed and whispers, “who are you?”)

Snow White continues to sleep.

Grumpy: Oh for crying out loud. He bangs loud objects together. Who are you and what are you doing in our house??

Snow White wakes suddenly.

SW: Oh! I’m terribly sorry, I was waiting for the children to get home. (She looks around) But you’re not children, you’re little men! Oh, my, you really have no idea how to keep a house clean.

Bashful: we do, but-- (hides face)

SW: (laughs) Not to worry, now we can all enjoy this clean home.

Doc: I beg your pardon?

SW: I’m going to be staying for an extended visit. My stepmother, the Queen, is envious of my beauty and my friend the Huntsman brought me here. Otherwise, I don’t know where I’ll go. Please let me stay.

Grumpy: No! There are plenty of other kingdoms and cottages.

Happy: Just a minute, Grumpy! We’d be HAPPY to have you! That’s my name, Happy!

SW: An unusual name, but you quite live up to it.

Doc: All dwarves are named after their most noticeable attitude trait.

SW: What’s your name?

Doc: Doc.

SW: ….are you a doctor? Is that a personality trait?

Doc: You ask a lot of questions.

Bashful: Maybe we should…. (hides face)

Happy: Invite her to dinner! You’re exactly right.

Narrator: The dwarves and Snow White ate dinner together, and then danced and sang till late in the night. Snow White felt very lucky to have found these new friends.

(Optional dance sequence)

Scene: the next day

Happy: Well, Snow White, we’re off to work!

Bashful: Have a… garsh, you know (hides face)

Doc: And don’t open the door for anyone!

Grumpy: Bah humbug. You’ll be fine, obviously you have no problem with taking over our house, so any other problems will be easily dealt with.

SW: (Laughs) Grumpy, I will bake your favorite kind of pie tonight and we’ll see what you say then.

Grumpy: (stomps foot)

The dwarves exit, singing “hi ho.” Snow White goes into cottage. Almost immediately the Queen enters, in disguise.

Queen: This is a foolproof disguise! I boiled up a potion to make me appear completely harmless. With ingredients like the meow of a kitten and comfy pajamas, I now appear to pose no danger to anyone. Snow White will never recognize me. But that will be her last mistake…..

She knocks on the cottage door.

SW: Hello?

Queen: It is I, a harmless peddler.

SW: That’s strange, the dwarves said that no one had visited this cottage in years.

Queen: It’s a new route. We’re reaching out to new customers.

SW: How did you find this place?

The Magic Mirror is seen sticking out of the Queen’s basket. We flashback to hear him say, “recalculating…. Recalculating…. Please make a U turn at the next tree)

Queen: Umm woman’s intuition. Now, do you want to buy some apples?

SW: Grumpy’s favorite pie is apple, I heard him say so last night. Yes, of course.

Queen: Oh, that was much easier than I expected. Wouldn’t you like to taste one first, to make sure that they’re good?

SW: Oh, you look so kind and trustworthy, little a cute little kitten in pajamas. I’m sure their wonderful.

Queen: (to audience) Blast! My disguise has worked too well!

Queen: (to SW) But I insist! These are wishing apples!

SW: Wishing apples?

Queen: Yes. You must think very hard of your dearest wish and it will come true with the first bite.

SW: Wow.

Queen: Yup, an amazing deal. Please, try one.

SW takes an apple.

SW: I’m wishing…. I’m wishing that I will be able to live here in peace and that the Queen will realize that women shouldn’t be tearing each other down over looks, we should support each other in sisterhood. (she takes a bite)

Queen: Wait!!

Narrator: But it is too late. The Queen’s poisoned apple has worked the instant Snow White’s lip touched it, she falls to the ground in an enchanted sleep.

Queen: I now realize the error of my ways!! Snow White was right, women shouldn’t be competing over who is more or less beautiful, we should work together to make a better world. I regret the time I lost not connecting with my stepdaughter. (weeps bitterly)

The dwarves enter, having taken a very short work day.

Grumpy: What has this kitten in pajamas done to Snow White!??!

Happy: I am UNHAPPY about this. And that’s not a good way to feel.

Doc: Now, hold on just a minute, you helpless looking imposter. You must be the evil queen that Snow White ran away from.

Queen: Well, yes, that was I, but I had a mighty change of heart, and now I am full of bitter regret.

Bashful: Gosh. (exits, bashfully)

Happy: How can we break the spell? That’s the only way I can be happy again.

Queen: The antidote to the curse is a kiss from someone with a heart as pure as hers. My mirror kept going about how Snow White was beautiful on the inside as well as the outside, and so I figured it would be a nice touch of irony to make the curse about inner beauty. But how will we ever find someone so good?

Huntsman enters.

HM: Oh, no, Snow White! I led her here out of the goodness of my heart, to keep her safe, at personal risk to myself and no profit, and look what has happened.

The dwarves and queen all look at him like, “AH HA”

Queen: Hey! It is I, the Formerly Evil Queen.

HM: (does a double take) Are you sure?

Queen: Yes. There’s no time to explain, kiss her! You have a pure heart!

HM: Umm I feel weird about this, but a peck on the cheek won’t hurt. (kisses SW’s cheek)

Snow White sits up , yawning.

Narrator: And so it came to pass that the Queen learned to respect her fellow women based on actions, not appearances. Snow White said a fond farewell to her dwarven friends, although they remained fast friends. The cottage was just a little too small for her. She went back to the castle, and the Huntsman was promoted to Castle Greeter. (It might not seem like a promotion, but this was a much better fit for him.) And they all lived happily ever after.